Wow, it really has been a long time since I wrote an entry here. Almost two months. It's partially because I got sucked into the world of facebook (what can I say, I like seeing people's pictures) and partially because life has just been crazy. I apologize for leaving out so much, but I really don't think it would be possible to go back and recapture it at this point. As it stands, Friday is the closing liturgy for our program, and Sara and Iris will be returning home shortly thereafter. I am going to miss them so much I really can't even wrap my head around it. They've become like sisters to me (though obviously we don't share quite the same bond as I do with Hannah and Melody). We've gone through a lot this year, and their friendship and support have been a huge gift.

I will be remaining here in Philadelphia. I like the city, and hopefully I can find a way to make a living for myself here for a few years. For the time being I will stay with the Sisters because with all the busyness I haven't had a lot of time to hunt for an apartment, and frankly it's pretty impossible to get a lease without proof of employment anyway. I'm really not sure exactly what I'm doing, and the uncertainty has about killed me this week. This whole becoming an adult and figuring out how to live on your own thing is pretty scary and I can't wait to get through this horribly uncomfortable time of not knowing. My natural reaction is to try to run away and avoid it all, but that really wouldn't solve anything, or even work, because I would just have to start over wherever I ended up.

You'd think I was about to be living on the street from the way I've been acting. Really I have a guaranteed job as a community organizer lined up, but the thought of going door to door for more than a couple of hours sounds like torture to me right now. Guess it's better than starving though. I've also interviewed for a position at Project Rainbow where I volunteered this year. They've basically offered me the position, but the recruiting staff is taking a long time to get all the paperwork processed and it's making me extremely nervous, especially since I don't want to let the community organizing job (as much as I dread it) go before I know for sure that I have another position. The job at Rainbow would be considerably more responsibility than what I did this year, and honestly seems rather daunting. But it's something I would like to be able to do.  It scares me because I have so little experience and I feel rather unprepared, but I think the only way I'm ever going to feel better equipped to do this job is by actually experiencing it. So I'm waiting and praying, and freaking out.

I hate not knowing, not having a plan, not being prepared. I've tried so hard these past few months to make sure I had everything in order so that I could slide smoothly into living independently with as little stress as possible. Ha! That certainly didn't work, despite the fact that I devoted hours and hours to trying to make it happen. It could be worse I know, but it's still overwhelming. I'm in a position right now where things could turn out amazingly, or horribly. Most likely it will be somewhere in between.

But right now I'm battling fear and self-doubt like I've never experienced before. It's rather amazing that I'm writing this because for the past several days I've barely been able to function. Kind of pathetic I know, but at this point I'm too scared to be proud. I hate that I can't seem to be stronger, but  I think it would be a stupid idea right now to act like I don't need any help. I really need your prayers.

Thankfully, I'm surrounded by people who love, support, pray for me, and take care of me, and have friends and family who are willing to take my panicked phone calls and talk to me until  I calm down a little. However, I can use all the prayer support I can get, so I'm asking you all to pray as well. When I'm able to look at my situation objectively, it's challenging, but not horrifying. Unfortunately my own thoughts seem to be my greatest enemy lately, and it's taking a lot of energy to avoid being crippled by anxiety. I'm afraid of lots of things, but I've never felt so suffocated by fear as I have been this past week. I've been reading the verses from Isaiah below to help myself hang on these past few days, and they may be slowly sinking in. I found some peace this evening, and I'm thanking God for it. But I know the next few weeks, and even beyond are going to be difficult for me, and while there are many things that I will have to do for myself, I know I can't do it all alone. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

Isaiah 43

 2 When you pass through the waters,
       I will be with you;
       and when you pass through the rivers,
       they will not sweep over you.
       When you walk through the fire,
       you will not be burned;
       the flames will not set you ablaze.

 3 For I am the LORD, your God,
       the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
       I give Egypt for your ransom,
       Cush and Seba in your stead.

 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
       and because I love you,
       I will give men in exchange for you,
       and people in exchange for your life.